Conflict doesn’t have to mean chaos.
Staying regulated during a disagreement helps you protect your relationship, not your ego. Here’s how to manage your reactions using tools from the Gottman Institute:
1. Recognize When You’re Flooded
Flooding is when your body gets overwhelmed—heart racing, muscles tense, mind racing. You’re in survival mode, not communication mode.
What to do:
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Take a break for 20-30 minutes.
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Use deep breathing, a walk, or music to calm your nervous system.
2. Use a Gentle Start-Up
The first few seconds of a conflict predict how it will end.
Instead of: “You never help me!”
Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about how we share chores?”
3. Avoid the Four Horsemen
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Criticism → Use a complaint without blame.
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Contempt → Show appreciation.
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Defensiveness → Own your part.
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Stonewalling → Take space and self-soothe.
4. Look for Repair Attempts
Use simple phrases to de-escalate:
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“Let me rephrase that.”
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“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
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“Can we pause and come back to this?”
5. Focus on Connection, Not Winning
Stay curious. Remember, it’s not you vs. them—it’s you two vs. the problem.
